People at work...

So here is a funny tidbit about my life at work. I work directly next to a woman who I would guess is in her late 50's to early 60's. She is known around the office for her blunt honesty and always thinking of the worst case scenarios. For example, my friend's hand was tingling... it wasn't because it was asleep or there was a pinched nerve, this woman insisted that my friend had MS. She's just that type of gal!

So as I previously mentioned, I am a bit on the chunky side and unfortunately, I carry most of my weight in my stomach. So one day, I am sitting there, working hard (or Facebooking, one of those) minding my own business when she says "Jennifer, can I ask you something?" and I replied "sure" assuming it was work related. It wasn't. Below is a recap of our conversation. She will be "C" for Crazy or Co-worker. You decide:

C: Jennifer, can I ask you something?
Me: Sure, what's up?
C: Have you been gaining weight?
Me: Uhhhhh, yes. Thank you for noticing.
C: Are you gaining weight because you are pregnant?
Me: Ummmm, nooooooooo. I'm just fat. But again, thank you for noticing.
C: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I'm pretty sure. As a matter of fact, I should be starting my period at literally, any moment.
C: But you haven't started yet?
Me: No, but trust me.. it's coming.
C: I think you might be.
Me: Even if I WAS pregnant, I wouldn't be at the stage where I"m showing. Trust me, I'm just fat.

(note: this conversation went on for literally ten minutes at work, in the middle of our office, where we have cubicles, so anyone within 10 ft of us could here this entire conversation)

C: Well I'm just thinking that if you ARE pregnant, it would be fun to celebrate.
Me: Yes, well that would be fun.. except I am NOT pregnant, unless I am pregnant with a burrito which is what I had for lunch. I AM JUST FAT!

She didn't come back into the office for a week, which was just as well, because I couldn't decide if I should just laugh it off, or break her old ass hip. In the end, I decided to laugh it off, but I've decided to make sure to tell her how TIRED she looks come the holidays.

One week down...

So I made it through the first week of being "healthy"... or as healthy as I can be. I will admit, I have had a few cheats here and there, but for the most part, I've been good. It started off last Monday with me making a super yummy pasta with olive oil, garlic, chicken and cherry tomatoes. Tuesday was also pretty good, although not as good as Monday's meal. The real problem was on Wednesday.

On Wednesday I decided to make a top sirloin and cauliflower "mashed potatoes". So I found a recipe off a website that had a ton of great reviews. Everyone talked about how it basically tasted JUST like cheesey mashed potatoes. I was very excited and had high expectations. I will say, they did LOOK just like cheesey mashed potatoes... same consistency and everything, but they didn't TASTE ANYTHING like mashed potatoes!! I sort of choked it down because I was trying to like it. Ehee took one bite and his entire face changed. He ran to the garbage can and spit it out. He asked me what the HELL that was he just put in his mouth. I told him what it was, laughing of course. He was pretty pissed! hahahaha... apparently he thought they were potatoes and was not expecting the flavor!. I asked him if he pretended they were cheesey grits if he would be able to eat them. He replied that they taste like cheesey grits that 85 sailors jacked off into. Now I'm not sure what that would taste like, but I can imagine it is NOT very good. So, for now... I will not be making those again any time soon. I think next time I'll just try to roast them or steam them.

Thursday, we were supposed to have pork tenderloin, but it was way too friggen hot in our house to have the oven on. So instead, I made homemade pizzas which turned out to be the BOMB. I will DEFINITELY make that again! Maybe someday, I'll get out of the late 1990's with my flip phone and actually get a fancy phone where I can upload some of the pictures of the food I make. But whatever, for now... you will just have to dream about my delightful pizzas.

Friday was pretty good foodwise, but then Saturday was AWFUL. I woke up to fresh coffee and a DOZEN DONUTS on the counter. I decided that Saturday could be my cheat day and helped myself to a donut. Then, a chicken burrito with no sourcream. Then, a burger and fruit. Then, a slice of ice cream cake (it was my niece's bday, I couldn't say no!). By yesterday I was back on the wagon and being good so I decided to be brave and weigh myself in this morning. -4 lbs! I was happy, but at the same time, I know it is mostly water because the last time I weighed myself was two days before I was supposed to get my monthly visit. SO... 4 lbs is 4 lbs, I'll be happy and just hope that I can do something similar for next week!

So I'm done rambling for now. Someday I hope to make this coherent so people will actually read and understand what I'm talking about. But for now, it's enough that I know what I'm talking about.

Turns out it is a burrito... and pancakes, sausage, beer, pizza and nachos

Wow. It has really been a long time since I last updated. So long, in fact, that the entire format of this blog has changed and I have no idea what I'm even looking at! I hope this gets posted.

So, what do you do when your cholesterol blood test basically tells you that your blood is made of bacon grease and buttercream? Well... you have to do a "lifestyle change". I would never ever ever EVER post my weight or fat pictures of myself (I have way too much fear that one of my ex-boyfriends would see it and then fall out of love with me, cuz I know they ALL still want me). However... I will post my current stats:

Cholesterol = 388 (yikes!)
Triglyceride = 237 (again, yikes)
LDL = 247 (holy sh*t!)

I will also say that according to my BMI, I am "overweight". Yes, I am chunky, not quite obese, but apparently I have the blood of a person who eats Krispy Kreme and McDonalds Big Macs daily. So, I thought I would start writing about my journey to try and get my numbers down. This will not be your average "weight loss" blog. I hate exercise, I hate vegetables, I like pizza and I am an asshole when people tell me I can't have something. Also, I'm a picky eater and I have never experimented with things like "quinoa" or "brown rice" or lasagnas made of veggies. I plan to be annoyed a lot.

I'm hoping I can stay focused and by writing my blog, stay somewhat accountable. I really don't want to be a 35 year old woman on 50 medications! My 90 year old grandfather is in better shape than me and that is just sad.

In conclusion.. wish me luck! And here is are a couple pictures of my kids because there is no way on EARTH I am going to post any of me!!!! Peace I'm outta here!

Some things I've learned in the past year...

1. Drinking small amounts of motor oil will not kill you... but it will make you poop every hour on the hour for three days straight.

2. Dog poop, even when rolled around in dirt, is never a pleasant surprise when it is handed to you in the kitchen. Probably not anywhere else either.

3. It doesn't matter how old you are... if you wear sandals without socks, you are gonna get stanky feet.

4. Sometimes when my husband is snoring, I seriously consider smothering him with a pillow. Not til he's dead or anything, just until he is quiet.

5. The little paranoid scaredy cat little boy I used to know, is becoming a not so scaredy cat young man. Although he is as paranoid as ever!!

6. It doesn't matter how old or or chubby or wrinkley I get, when I drink enough... I think I'm Minka Kelly or Mila Kunis or whoever else you think is hot stuff.

7. I totally have hoarding tendancies. There is a good chance that in 30 years you will see me on the A&E show "Hoarders". Hopefully I'm not pooping in bags and saving them in the kitchen.

8. When I play with my make-up, I'm totally happy in my own world like I was when I was seven and I was making my slutty Barbie do it with my G.I. Joe. I've always had a thing for a man in uniform.

9. I cannot get naked in a gym until I am SAFELY in the shower stall. I think this is because I grew up with brothers and not sisters. Also, people who freely walk around with their FULL NUDE BODIES scare me and I think their vaginas are trying to get me.

10. Seeing my boys happy, makes me happy... even when I'm really not happy.

Long time coming...

It has been a LONG time since I last blogged. I would like to say it is because life has been boring and slow and easy and just not exciting, but in reality it has been this: pneumonia, three sinus infections, two bouts of pink eye and asthma for Tbill, Tmoney started getting into trouble and decided that he would like to try living with his idiotic father for a while, and I have been beyond busy at work and with dealing with my boys, bridal showers, baby showers, weddings and planning more showers and bachelorettes in the next few weeks. Also in there was a crazy 600 calorie per day diet which not only helped me lose 20 lbs, but a LOT of money and all of my energy. I'm now off the crazy diet and while I gained 10 lbs back, it showed me I can lose the weight if I just try. So here's to trying!!

These days Tbill is a wild man. He loves to climb up and jump off our furniture, he is a little water dog and already puts his face right into the water. He also tries to ride our dogs like they are horses and he has recently entered a hitting phase. He has totally developed a sense of humor and loves to try to make us laugh making silly faces or playing with his tongue. He is a little motor mouth and talks ALL the time. I can understand him even if no one else can. Well, mostly. He is also a little love bug and gives EVERYONE he knows big hugs.

Now that Tmoney is living with his dad, we are all getting along much better. We definitely miss him, and his brother misses him, but when he's home to visit, the tension that was once there is gone. It's nice to just be able to enjoy him instead of being the constant nagging harpie making his life miserable =) I can't believe he is going to be a sophmore come this fall!

I guess that's about it for now. Hopefully someday I'll have more time, or something fun to share, but for NOW... you get what you get and don't have a fit =)

Photos of my sweet boy

A whole mess of new problems...

Wow, I haven't updated in a LOOOONG time. I'm sure there is a ton to write about, but since there is TOO much, I'll just write about the recent activities of our lives. Okay, specifically my life.

So as many of you know, one my my BFFs lives in Savannah, GA and her husband is currently deployed. Being the super awesome BFF that I am, I wanted to go visit her while he was gone so I could keep her company. I booked my flight over a month ago and was SO excited to go see her... until about two weeks before I was supposed to leave. Around that time, Tbill started waking up in the middle of the night EVERY night. For hours. Being the anxiety ridden nut job that I am, I decided this was because I was going to die and his baby intuition was telling him to spend as much time with me as he could, because I'd be dead in 14 days. So the lack of sleep combined with an already crazy person started causing me to have mini panic attacks. Also, since I was facing certain death, I wasn't able to fall asleep at night. So basically, I'd fall asleep between 11pm -12am, the baby would wake up between 1am - 2am and would be up for a good two hours. It was not a happy time in my home.

I went to the doctor for an unrelated issue and she noticed my legs shaking uncontrollably while I sat on her table. She asked me what was going on and that was when I broke down crying and telling her that I was going to DIE in a matter of days. So she asked me if I have ever had problems with anxiety in the past and I told her my mental health history, which includes a history of panic attacks and a prescription for Klonopin. So, thankfully, she refilled my prescription for my Klonopin so I would have it for the plane ride. Of course, then came the NEW anxiety of "what if I take my pills and I'm too mellow to jump out of the plane in case of an emergency landing on a farm in Alabama and I burn up and am the only fatality?" My doctor assured me that the anxiety I was feeling was totally normal and that many moms of young children have panic attacks when they think of dying and leaving their babies without their moms. So, I guess I felt somewhat better knowing I am not the only crazy person.

As you can tell from this blog, I DID survive the plane ride to and from Georgia and have a fun weekend with my friend. We only got into a minimal amount of trouble, just like the old days. Of course, when I got home, Ehee brought the kids to pick me up from the airport and Tbill refused to even look at me for 20 minutes. Apparently he was teach me a lesson to never leave him AGAIN!!

So it is now 3/30 and I started writing this on 3/14. That said, I'm over this post. I'm ending it here and will update again shortly.