Miley Cyrus and the Downfall of Society... OR... You are a Prude, Get Over It.

I got pregnant two weeks before my 18th birthday. Did this happen because when I was 9 years old, I saw a video about a young teenage girl getting pregnant by her hot, yet greasy, boyfriend and telling her Papa to not preach? ORRRRR, did I get pregnant because I was a foolish girl whose parents didn't pay enough attention to her and never talked to her about getting on birth control even after they KNEW she was having sex? If you blamed Madonna, then this post is for you.

When I was 10 years old, a song called "I Want Your Sex" came out on the radio. There were two types of parents back then... the parents who just let us listen to it and sang along, and the parents, like my favorite aunt, who thought it was inappropriate for 10 year olds to sing and changed the radio station. Nowadays it seems we have three types of parents... the ones who sing along, the ones who turn the radio station, and the ones who blame those songs, music videos and musicians for raising their children wrong and ruining society.

I'll just get to the point... I am completely OVER everyone complaining about Miley Fucking Cyrus. The VMAs were weeks ago, and yet people are still posting all about it on social media. "My daughters love Hannah Montana, how am I supposed to deal with this!?!?!?!" Well, first of all, you should know that Hannah Montana was a fictional character created by a massive corporation to sell your children products, and boy did they ever make their money's worth. Second of all, the person who played the character of Hannah Montana is a REAL person, who is no longer a 15 year old girl and who is trying to experiment with her life to figure out who and what she is, just like 99% of us did at that same exact age. Did I necessarily want to see Miley's flabby baloney buns gyrating against a foam finger? No, not really. I found it sad, like she was trying too hard. Then I went back and found all the pictures of me with my tongue out trying to be crazy and obviously trying WAY too hard and thought... OHHHHHHH, I guess we'll all stupid at that age.

Here it is... if you don't want your child listening to Miley Cyrus or idolizing her, then don't let them listen to it. I know this is a horrible thought, actually taking CONTROL of what is influencing your children, but trust me, it is possible to do. I understand it is SO much easier to blame others for your failings as a parent, but you are only doing a disservice to yourself and your kids. Kids do not need to get everything they want. Period. I like all kinds of music, most of which is not appropriate for my three year old. So you know what I do?? This is amazing actually... when I am in the car with him, I listen to music that is appropriate for him to listen to. When he is OUT of the car, I put on my hard core gangsta rap or death Satanist metal and regress to my 17 year old self. I don't let him watch music videos that I don't think are appropriate, I don't watch TV shows in front of him that are inappropriate and I don't take him to rated R or PG-13 movies because, again, I find them inappropriate, and also I don't want to ruin other movie watchers good time by bringing a terrified toddler to a movie that is way too scary for his Disney Junior brain. I know!! It's amazing!! How do I live my life!?!? I can't tell if parents today are just selfish assholes who themselves want to watch the VMAs so they let their 6 year olds watch, or if they are so scared of saying "NO" to their children, they'll let them stay up until 10 pm on a Sunday so they can watch it. Either way, that is your failing... not the failing of a 20 year old girl.

I'll tell you right now what is destroying our society... participation trophies and vagina shorts. Participation trophies show our children that mediocrity is something you should be rewarded for, and vagina shorts show your daughter's vaginas. Maybe I'd take the parents bitching about Miley more seriously if they weren't the same mothers listening to Britney Spears in the car while riding around with their 10 year old daughters already wearing makeup and wearing vagina shorts. Just so you know, as much as I don't want to see Miley's flabby butt cheeks, I also don't want to see your 10 year old daughter struggle to keep her vagina in her shorts. And that is all I have to say about that.

People at work...

So here is a funny tidbit about my life at work. I work directly next to a woman who I would guess is in her late 50's to early 60's. She is known around the office for her blunt honesty and always thinking of the worst case scenarios. For example, my friend's hand was tingling... it wasn't because it was asleep or there was a pinched nerve, this woman insisted that my friend had MS. She's just that type of gal!

So as I previously mentioned, I am a bit on the chunky side and unfortunately, I carry most of my weight in my stomach. So one day, I am sitting there, working hard (or Facebooking, one of those) minding my own business when she says "Jennifer, can I ask you something?" and I replied "sure" assuming it was work related. It wasn't. Below is a recap of our conversation. She will be "C" for Crazy or Co-worker. You decide:

C: Jennifer, can I ask you something?
Me: Sure, what's up?
C: Have you been gaining weight?
Me: Uhhhhh, yes. Thank you for noticing.
C: Are you gaining weight because you are pregnant?
Me: Ummmm, nooooooooo. I'm just fat. But again, thank you for noticing.
C: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I'm pretty sure. As a matter of fact, I should be starting my period at literally, any moment.
C: But you haven't started yet?
Me: No, but trust me.. it's coming.
C: I think you might be.
Me: Even if I WAS pregnant, I wouldn't be at the stage where I"m showing. Trust me, I'm just fat.

(note: this conversation went on for literally ten minutes at work, in the middle of our office, where we have cubicles, so anyone within 10 ft of us could here this entire conversation)

C: Well I'm just thinking that if you ARE pregnant, it would be fun to celebrate.
Me: Yes, well that would be fun.. except I am NOT pregnant, unless I am pregnant with a burrito which is what I had for lunch. I AM JUST FAT!

She didn't come back into the office for a week, which was just as well, because I couldn't decide if I should just laugh it off, or break her old ass hip. In the end, I decided to laugh it off, but I've decided to make sure to tell her how TIRED she looks come the holidays.

UGH

I am a person that is very set in her ways. I have the SAME routine every single day. I drop off T-money, I drop off T-bill, I drive the same route to work every day and I park in the same parking spot every day. I come in, put my stuff down, turn on my computer and then head downstairs to the cafeteria so I can get some coffee and usually something to eat. Every day, I make my coffee the SAME way. It's easy, there are only two types of coffee so I don't ever change flavors or the way I make it. Until yesterday.

On Thursday morning, I followed my same routine. I decided to have an egg sandwich for breakfast which took longer than usual to order because one of the chefs was out sick. I stood in line with my co-worker, chatting about the day ahead and how stressful it has been lately. We started complaining about how long it was taking, but oh well, it takes a good 15 minutes for my computer to load, so I didn't care that much. I finally ordered my food and went to go get my lemon water and my coffee. My special coffee. The only kind I drink at work.

I went over to grab my disposable cup and I noticed they had changed them. They no longer had Peet's coffee cups. Odd, but I just figured they must be out and would have more next week. I grab my cup and head over to the coffee station. . MY COFFEE WAS GONE!!!!!

Instead of my ONE giant coffee machine (yes it is a MACHINE, not a pot) there were 10bright red coffee containers that read "Seattle's Best". There was Dark Roast, French Roast, Hazel Nut, Decaf, Cinnabun, Vanilla Bean, Italian Roast... WTF IS GOING ON!?!?!?! I cannot choose between all those different flavored coffees before I've HAD MY CUP OF COFFEE!!! The first one I tried was bitter and dark and awful, much like my soul after realizing they had gotten rid of our Peet's. The next one I tried was just as awful, so I dumped that cup too. Finally, I decided to try the vanilla, which is the ONLY drinkable coffee from my work I can now consume. Although, it gives me a stomach ache once I'm done with it.

But seriously folks, who does that? Who, with NO WARNING, in the MIDDLE of the week, takes away the coffee that the entire company has been drinking for the past five years, and replaces it with something that tastes AWFUL??? Again, WITH NO WARNING!!!! Also, I think the name should be changed to Seattle's WORST Coffee, because I just hate it. Not everything has to make your insides feel like they are being dissolved. Sometimes you can have a MILD flavored coffee!!

So that is my rant for the week. I have NOTHING baby to post because he is currently boring. Hope you have a good weekend!

A pregnancy rant...

So here is my pregnancy rant from about a week ago. I'm adding it because I feel like this most days. Many of you probably already read it on my facebook, but if you haven't had a chance, here is the cleaner version :)

Okay... I need to get this out or I will punch a mo' fo' in the face. I don't know what in God's name gives people the idea that they have the right to judge me because I am knocked up, but it is running rampant in San Jose! FOR EXAMPLE:

1. Coffee: Yeah... I drink it. I have ONE tall iced coffee about two - three times a week. Not that I need to explain that to anyone, but guess what, you'd think I was ordering a friggen double Screwdriver in the morning. The stares, the comments... GET OVER IT. I can either have my 120 grams of caffiene or I can sleep at my desk and get fired. If my doctor says it is okay, then it is okay with me. I don't need some safeway checker making comments that my coffee looks too dark. SUCK IT and finish bagging my f'ing groceries.

2. Personal Space: If I do not know you, or I do not know you well.... DO NOT TOUCH ME. I don't want your dirty hands on my stomach and I have NO PROBLEM slapping your hand away. PERIOD. If you catch me when I'm irritable, it won't be your hand I slap.

3. Comments about my changing body: saying "OHMYGOSH YOU ARE GETTING SO FAT" while clapping does not make the comment cute. The clapping doesn't make the "FAT" comment any less rude or obnoxious. Yes... I get it, I'm five months pregnant, I was BOUND to get bigger. HOWEVER, an acceptable statement would be "you are starting to show". You call me fat, don't be surprised when I say right around the holidays that you look like you've really put on some weight. I am putting it on my calendar now to remind me to say it. B*tch.

4. Food intake: Okay really.... why the hell are you watching what I eat? Why do you praise me when you see me eating carrots or apples, but tell me my kid is going to have diabetes when you see me eating a cookie? I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were the f'ing food nazi and that I had to run all my meals by you. Do you WANT me to scissor kick you??

5. Scratching: Yes, I've heard the rumors... if I scratch my stomach I'm going to get stretch marks. Sooo, I guess since you see me still scratching it anyway, I DO NOT CARE! IT ITCHES!!!! I am the one who has to live with the consequences so get off my nuts about it!

6. Beautification: Just because I went and got myself knocked up doesn't mean I am going to stop coloring my hair or using astringent or using night cream. I'm sorry, but I don't plan to look like an Apalachan Mountain Woman. Unless you see me injecting these products directly into my belly, the baby is FINE. As a matter of fact, he doesn't want the first person he see's to be some crazy haired zit face with wrinkles. He told me. Now shut it.

Summary: Unless you see me injecting hair bleach into my placenta while taking shots of Jack and eating balls of crack as I jump on a trampoline and swan dive into a steaming hot tub, mind your own business.

PS. you can keep telling me how cute I look and baking me goodies... I never get tired of that ;)