The Good, The Bad and the Pizza

Okay, so when I started writing again, it was because I wanted to keep myself accountable. I figured maybe if I had to show other people what I was going through, I would be more likely to stick with this whole new "lifestyle change" I'm supposed to be doing. But... it is HARD. It is SO FLIPPEN HARD. I read all these weight loss blogs of these incredible women who have changed their lives... and yet, I cannot go one week without pizza. Maybe my issue is that I should have started blogging when I was well on my way. Maybe then it would have been somewhat inspirational! Instead, I feel like I am confessing my sins over and over. 

Soooo... on Thursday, I had a REALLY bad sinus headache. It felt migrainey, but just on one side of my face. None of the medication I took was working, so I did what I do when nothing else is working... I decided to have a cocktail or three. Well, I don't really drink that much anymore, so sometimes I forget how much it can lower my inhibitions, especially when it comes to food. So since I was pretty much drunk town when Ehee got home, he decided to pick up McDonalds for dinner. Well, after I ate my entire dinner, I apparently decided it wasn't enough... so I stole Ehee's french fries, ate half of Trevor's nuggets, and then helped myself to more booze. I felt HORRIBLE about myself the next day. I felt like I was a disgusting human being... when I binge like that I fully hate myself after, yet I continue to do it. For example... today I went to my friend's son's 1st birthday and the nacho bar. I tried to be good... I don't think I was horrible. But, the pizza I just ate for dinner pretty much topped out the evening. Who DOES THAT?? I'll tell you who does that... people on their way to being 678 lbs and fused to their couch. People who have whipped cream running through their veins.

I wish there was some easy fix. I wish that I could just say... okay, I'm DONE with this and actually follow through. I wish when I saw CARBS I didn't go into a shark like frenzy. I wish when I saw a bottle of wine, I didn't go into a piranha type frenzy... you know, like when they see a cow crossing the river, or giant DD boobs floating at Lake Havasu.

So I will end this on a positive note. There have been some good things this week... for example, I got to the gym twice and actually worked out HARD. Hard enough where I felt light headed and shaky afterwards. I also ate pretty well the rest of the week. It's just hard to see the good when I feel so much guilt about the bad. So on that note, I am going to go sit down and read my new In-Style magazine and look at all the amazing fashions that I cannot afford, nor can I fit into them. YET!!! I will get there... eventually.