A pregnancy rant...

So here is my pregnancy rant from about a week ago. I'm adding it because I feel like this most days. Many of you probably already read it on my facebook, but if you haven't had a chance, here is the cleaner version :)

Okay... I need to get this out or I will punch a mo' fo' in the face. I don't know what in God's name gives people the idea that they have the right to judge me because I am knocked up, but it is running rampant in San Jose! FOR EXAMPLE:

1. Coffee: Yeah... I drink it. I have ONE tall iced coffee about two - three times a week. Not that I need to explain that to anyone, but guess what, you'd think I was ordering a friggen double Screwdriver in the morning. The stares, the comments... GET OVER IT. I can either have my 120 grams of caffiene or I can sleep at my desk and get fired. If my doctor says it is okay, then it is okay with me. I don't need some safeway checker making comments that my coffee looks too dark. SUCK IT and finish bagging my f'ing groceries.

2. Personal Space: If I do not know you, or I do not know you well.... DO NOT TOUCH ME. I don't want your dirty hands on my stomach and I have NO PROBLEM slapping your hand away. PERIOD. If you catch me when I'm irritable, it won't be your hand I slap.

3. Comments about my changing body: saying "OHMYGOSH YOU ARE GETTING SO FAT" while clapping does not make the comment cute. The clapping doesn't make the "FAT" comment any less rude or obnoxious. Yes... I get it, I'm five months pregnant, I was BOUND to get bigger. HOWEVER, an acceptable statement would be "you are starting to show". You call me fat, don't be surprised when I say right around the holidays that you look like you've really put on some weight. I am putting it on my calendar now to remind me to say it. B*tch.

4. Food intake: Okay really.... why the hell are you watching what I eat? Why do you praise me when you see me eating carrots or apples, but tell me my kid is going to have diabetes when you see me eating a cookie? I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were the f'ing food nazi and that I had to run all my meals by you. Do you WANT me to scissor kick you??

5. Scratching: Yes, I've heard the rumors... if I scratch my stomach I'm going to get stretch marks. Sooo, I guess since you see me still scratching it anyway, I DO NOT CARE! IT ITCHES!!!! I am the one who has to live with the consequences so get off my nuts about it!

6. Beautification: Just because I went and got myself knocked up doesn't mean I am going to stop coloring my hair or using astringent or using night cream. I'm sorry, but I don't plan to look like an Apalachan Mountain Woman. Unless you see me injecting these products directly into my belly, the baby is FINE. As a matter of fact, he doesn't want the first person he see's to be some crazy haired zit face with wrinkles. He told me. Now shut it.

Summary: Unless you see me injecting hair bleach into my placenta while taking shots of Jack and eating balls of crack as I jump on a trampoline and swan dive into a steaming hot tub, mind your own business.

PS. you can keep telling me how cute I look and baking me goodies... I never get tired of that ;)