Surprise! Week 5

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away… in the land of Delusion, there was a beautiful young princess. She met her prince, fell in love and got married. Soon after, she was blessed with her perfect pregnancy. Her cravings included organic tomatoes and fresh green salads and coffee enemas. She never got swollen fingers, or had problems putting her shoes on because her feet had doubled in size and they now looked like Fred Flinstone’s. She cried once watching a commercial because she just felt SOOOO emotional, and she even swore at her husband twice. She was doing half marathons into her 8th month because it just felt SO good to run. She gave birth and was back in her size 2’s before she left the hospital. Her baby was perfect and when he pooped, it smelled like fresh strawberries on a warm summer’s day.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh…. such a beautiful story. So full of beauty and wisdom and, what’s the word I’m looking for… bullshit. Yes, bullshit is the word.

Now if you are one of those ladies who have been blessed with an easy pregnancy, God bless you. You are very lucky and most women are probably jealous. Do you need to reiterate to the world how wonderful and supportive your husband is, and how your baby started sleeping through the night at 4 days old? NO!!! And do you know WHY you need to stop doing this? You need to stop doing this because you suck people like ME into getting pregnant again because somehow you make me forget that pregnancy for ME sucks.

Pregnancy for me is this… boobs so sore I want to punch my 3 year old the face when he hugs me too hard, fits of rage because I am remembering an argument I had three weeks ago that I lost, and now I am coming up with all sorts of new ammo, but I can’t go back and re-start the argument because people will think I am f’ing nuts, dizzy spells that would be awesome if I was in high school and doing hits of nitrous oxide, but not so great when I’m trying to draft board resolutions.

Pregnancy for me is falling asleep while people are talking to me… at work. I actually fell asleep while drafting an email. Turns out I can type while I nap. There weren’t any actual WORDS, but the fingers kept moving. I am like a chicken when someone chops off the head apparently.

Pregnancy for me is wanting to yell at someone because her highlights are better than mine and because she complains about her “messy” hair even though people spend all kinds of money for her exact “messy” hair. F U.

Pregnancy for me is eating mashed potatoes for lunch, with a side of vanilla ice cream. When I’m two days pregnant.

So if you couldn’t tell from this post, I am pregnant. I haven’t told my family yet (with the exception of my husband) because I haven’t even had my first doctor’s appointment and this is all still very new and terrifying. I’m posting it here because in all honesty, there are exactly three people who read this blog and they probably know (sup Kari) and I’m hoping it will help me express my rage so I don’t kick my co-workers. My first appointment is on July 25th and we will find out then if everything is okay.

Until next time… unless I’m in prison for finding the person who tricked me into thinking pregnancy was beautiful and amazing and I tie her up like a prisoner at Guantanamo Bay and shove pizza and cupcakes in her face until her ass looks like Rosie O’Donnell’s… or worse, MINE.