Where did I go?

So recently I read an article where a woman wrote about how now that she was 40, she no longer got cat-called by construction workers, she didn't get hit on at bars and when she looked in the mirror, she saw an image of her former self. She started calling herself "my formely hot self" which I thought was totally interesting because it is SO true. I, however, have a different problem. I'm sure when I'm in my 40s I will look back at my 20s as my formerly hot self, but for now, I just look back on my formerly FUN self.

This morning on my way to work, one of my favorite bands came on the radio from when I was in high school and it made me start thinking; what the heck happened to that girl? I can remember driving around in my dad's Mustang with the top down, smoking cigarettes (not that I miss that), singing at the top of my lungs without a care in the world. I was a rebel... a free spirit. I didn't care what people thought about me, I didn't listen to what others said about me. I was perfectly self-centered and unaware of the world going on around me. I went to strip clubs. I made out with girls in public. I got yelled at by mothers for cursing too much in front of their children. I ate Taco Bell every day for lunch and never gained a pound. Now all I can think of when I eat fast food is... "where is my pepcid?" or "how long do I have to workout burn off the calories in this friggen burger?"

So as I was driving, listening to the sounds of my youth, I began to wonder: when did I become the neurotic mess that I am today? Now I'm the (almost) middle aged woman hating teenagers because they are obnoxious and loud and rude. I'm the woman at the party shushing everyone because I don't want to upset the neighbors. I'm the designated driver. I'm the person who turns down the radio because I don't want to damage my children's hearing. I'm the party pooper. How did this happen? When did I make my final morph from a fun loving wild-child, to a neurotic crotchety old lady? WHEN DID THE FINAL TRANSFORMATION TAKE PLACE?? And here is another question: can I get any part of my youth back?

The fact is, the grouchy neurotic mess that I am today is NOT a fun person, and I am definitely not a fun wife or mom. Now I'm not saying I want to buy my kids beer and show them how to properly egg a house. I don't want them to see me on Girls Gone Wild or see me drink so much I am barfing in the guest room bathroom all night. But, I would like to be a mom who doesn't act like the domestic Hitler. I want my kids to be able to laugh with me and have fun times with me, without me trying to control everything they do. How do I re-learn that a little bit of trouble is okay? How do I reach back within myself and take a small piece of the fun girl I used to be?

I will ponder this as I finish listening to my Bad Religion CD on my Ipod, while I eat granola and start on my 64 oz of my daily water intake.